388) I've got the
most comfortable bed I've ever owned, but even on those cold, rainy, Friday
nights, it fails to provide me the welcoming warmth I used to rush home to as
a teenager living at home. I suppose it turned for the worse soon after I returned
from my last vacation. My first in 6 years, I went partly because my family
deserved it, partly because I hadn't gone in so long, and partly to celebrate
completion of my largest client engagement ever. I had resisted indulging until
I felt my business was larger and more stable, but there's only so long even
a non-conformist can resist. So we go, spend thousands, but sleep like babies.
On returning, I had no way of foreseeing the dearth of substantial business
(and in fact, my optimism for the year skewed my practical side). The more time
passed, the more crushing the debt became. The more crushing the debt got, the
more I started recognizing my true place in society - I'm just a wallet that
everyone wants to dip into. I naturally accept responsibilities for all my actions,
but I often wonder if a 2 week vacation in paradise is worth a year's worth
of distress in purgatory. The irony is that the more I recognize my place in
society, the more committed I become to the path I've chosen. I keep telling
myself all the lines you've read about the life of pioneers, visionaries, etc.
I keep hoping that I won't cut my ear off, or that maybe, just maybe, I'm actually
the heir of a rich family legacy (with an emphasis on the rich) which I'll be
able to exploit. But even my determination to stay the course and focus on the
future can't prevent my mind from feeling the futility of working for nothing.
The only reward I get is my own confidence, but even that is a paper-thin veil
without benefiting from the feeling of security that can only come from money
in this society. I know it's just a want, not a need, but how much of this existence
can I take and expose my family too before their wants turn into needs and I'm
forced to relinquish my principles and conform? 1,855 days
and counting without a good night's rest.
|(c) 2005. al berrios & company, inc.|